Mending the Fatherline

On the loss of Father and returning the masculine home

A year ago, earlier this month, I lost my estranged father, whom I hadn’t spoken to in 16 years. I was lying down for an online healing ceremony with a group of oracles I’m connected with, led by a sister and mentor, receiving trance energy work, when, unbeknownst to me, he too was lying on the floor, breathing his last breath. Sometimes the energy medicine is so deep that I black out—this was one of those times. I came to as the call was ending, suddenly overwhelmed by a powerful urge to walk the twenty minutes to the ancient forest behind the farm where I was staying in Aotearoa, to make offerings to the bigfeet who reside there.

The bigfeet had been showing up for me as these wild protectors, ancient hearts, joyful guides, and steady anchors during travels. In many ways, they became expressions of The Father, providing what I needed, supporting, loving, and protecting me along the journey.

So I grabbed some salmon from the fridge, honey, apples, and other treats, and headed out. I laid my offerings at the base of some broken trees in the middle of the forest—a sign of their presence. Moments later, a song moved through me. It was low, incredibly deep, and came from the voices of the bigfeet themselves. I had never heard or felt my voice so low and deep before, and I knew it was doing something integrative to my energy field as I let it move through. When it finished, I realized it was a mourning song.

I lost track of time and had to rush back to my van, named Bigfoot, to hop on a client call. As I was exiting the forest, I received a message from a cousin I hadn’t heard from in years: he was sorry for my loss. That was how I found out my father had died.

Unexpectedly, as I paused in the forest, the first emotion I felt was… freedom.

The fatherwound has been the central theme in my healing since I left LA in 2024. This is the story of that journey—one filled with many potent rituals, mystical experiences, ancestral pilgrimages, dream messages, and heart-awakening healings—that ultimately led me to help my father’s soul find greater peace and purpose, and to come home to my own inner father, being initated into deeper union.